I’ve always been the romantic type.
Young men often ask me for words of advice, so here’s some love tips for the guys. I’d give detailed advice to women and members of LGBTQ plus community too, but this is 2024 and I’m sure I’d only get canceled for being a straight, white man advising people who aren’t like me. So instead, I’m sticking to what I know about romance from an old school, straight dude’s point of view.
An important part of being a man is being able to express your affection to the woman you love—not just when you’re courting, but always, and as hair band Extreme taught us, it takes more than words. But this is not to say you should be a simp who does whatever she says and showers her with affection she doesn’t deserve or reciprocate. That’s the sort of woman you leave or give up on—and fast. Nothing is less masculine than folding on your principals and behaving obsequiously. What I’m saying is, men should rediscover the lost art of the love letter, surprise their best gal with “just because” gifts, and pay tribute to her through the things they create, be it love songs, book dedications, portraits, or whatever else their muse inspires.
Little things go a long way too. Rub her feet for her without being asked. Cook something for her. Make her a mixtape playlist. Here’s a great tip: play with her hair while you’re watching TV and she’ll be yours forever.
And be a gentleman for Christ’s sake (at least, outside of the bedroom, where I can assure you she wants anything but a gentleman). Open doors for her—even car doors. On the sidewalk, you should be the one walking by the curb. Until she sits down too, you better not eat a bite of dinner. After a date, walk her to her car or front porch. And if her response to such chivalry is something along the lines of “I don’t need a man to do things for me!”, that’s your cue to never see her again. I’m sure she’ll live a proud life with her eighteen cats.
But most of all it’s important to take care of your woman. And I don’t just mean dote on her when she has the flu. I mean you should protect her always and be able to fix problems. Maybe you can’t repair the rift between her and one of her friends or tell off her overbearing boss (nor should you try), but you can change the oil in her car, fix a leaky faucet, and patch that hole in the driveway. If you don’t know how to do these sorts of things—learn, buddy. I promise you, being useful will get you farther with women than just being nice, funny, or handsome. And even if you don’t have skills yet, you better be ready to squash any cockroach she sees and fetch her hairbrush for her if it falls in the toilet. And if some guy messes with her, you set him straight or die trying. As her man, these are your irrefutable duties.
Just make sure she deserves your love and chivalry. Not all women do, especially not by default, as some people want you to believe. She needs to do nice, thoughtful things for you too, and keep up her half of the chores, however you two agree to divide them.
Look, I don’t care if this offends you. If a woman’s idea of feminism is for her to never do anything for her man while also expecting him to do everything for her, she’s not standing up for women, she’s just being a selfish asshole, the same way the man would be if things were reversed. Act like that, and any decent man will walk, leaving you with nothing but the wimps dogpaddling in the dating pool. Good women understand that love is a give and take. Love is shared. One gender does not deserve better treatment than the other. And obviously, all of this applies not just to heterosexual couples, but all couples. Be good to each other. Stop letting other people’s stupid, bitter gender politics ruin your relationships. The sanctimonious nitwits on social media don’t matter—the person you’re with does.
Speaking of sanctimonious nitwits, don’t tell me I shouldn’t use the term “my woman” either, because every time I’ve had a woman, they’ve loved me calling them that, and I love it when a woman calls me her man. In most relationships it’s a term of endearment, not oppression. Old country songs by women have titles like “Stand by Your Man” and “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man.” And every blues song ever written has a guy singing about “my woman.” Just because you find something offensive doesn’t make you right, and I do not kowtow to others just because they complain.
Anyway, where was I…
Ah, yes, love. It’s good if you can get it. It’s fun while it lasts. I don’t think it’s all you need—and I certainly don’t think it’s mandatory when it comes to living a full and happy life—but it is one of life’s great pleasures. I don’t pretend to be a love doctor, but I’ve also never lacked female attention, and I’ve had over four decades to live with and learn about love. So now, I’m offering two books that deal with amóre.
But hey, they’re still Triana books, so you know there’s going to be plenty of blood and violence to go with the flowers and chocolates. These tales are romances in the same sense that Natural Born Killers and Bride of Re-Animator are.
My first dabbling in the realm of extremely dark romance came back in April with the release of The Dark Embrace, my collaboration with Mona Kabbani. The book contained one novella by each of us. The one I wrote is called Because You’re Mine, and it will soon be released on its own in paperback and eBook.
Synopsis:
Bryan’s elderly mother is terminally ill, and that’s the way he likes it. Mom comes from old money, making it easy for Bryan to hire an in-home nurse, but he’s looking for someone to provide a special kind of treatment, something he’s long fantasized about.
Shelby is a nurse with a horrible secret. When she begins caring after Bryan’s mother, the two strike up an unlikely kinship, bonding over their troubled pasts and hidden desires. Together, the older Bryan begins teaching Shelby classic methods of diabolism, and she teaches him about the modern tools of their terrifying trade, making them a duo to die for.
Because You’re Mine will be released exclusively on my website on 7/16. A wide release will follow on 8/16, including an eBook edition, which you can preorder HERE. By ordering the paperback directly from me at TRIANAHORROR, you’ll be getting the novella a month in advance. Plus, you’ll get all the bonus swag, which will be announced when the paperback preorders go live.
But while you wait for that amorous July day, you’re going to need some horror romance to hold you over, right?
Fuckin’ A right!
That’s why I’m so giddy to announce the new issue The Obituaries, which has just been released and is available while supplies last!
The Obituaries #6: Red Romance features four tales of love-themed terror from the usual gallery of rouges—Aron Beauregard, Daniel J. Volpe, and myself—with the addition of our special guest, C.V. Hunt, author of Ritualistic Human Sacrifice and Cockblock. The issue comes signed by all four of us and is limited to just 300 copies.
Hunt is our first female guest author, and we’re delighted to have them join in the depravity. They did the cover wrap design for every issue of The Obituaries so far, and designed the logo. So Hunt has been part of the team this whole time, and we’re excited about the all-new story they gave us.
C.V. Hunt’s tale, Together Forever, is about a strange tattoo artist and the young man who becomes enamored with him, for better or much worse.
With We’d Look Better Dead, Daniel J. Volpe tells the story of a mass shooting in the twisted name of romantic obsession.
Aron Beauregard’s tale, A Date with Depravity, deals with the horrible world of dating services—a nightmare we all know too well!
And Baby, I’d Die 4 U is my story about a boy band’s obsessive, preteen fans who will do anything to get the band members’ approval, no matter who they must hurt to get it.
Each tale of demented romance comes with a gruesome illustration by our bad ass house artist, Nick Justus. And as always, this issue comes with a high-quality magnet and bookmark featuring the cover art. Issue #6’s cover artwork is by the diabolical Claire Morrissey. Visit her at shadowandshivers on Instagram and check out her Etsy.
Again, this issue is limited, so get on it while they last. Once they’re gone, that’s all folks!
We’ve also built a website for our production company, Bad Dream Books. As we continue to work on it, this will serve as a solid resource for our readers and fans. Learn more about who we are, what we’ve released, and what to look forward to in the future. So check it out! But please note that Bad Dream Books is NOT OPEN TO SUBMISSIONS, and we have no plans to accept them in the future. Any unsolicited manuscripts will be deleted unread. We are also not available to provide writers with feedback or edits on their manuscripts. For one thing, it creates legal issues, but frankly, we also just don’t have time for things like that. We’re far too busy putting out our own horror work. We encourage you to research presses and agents and send your work to them instead of to other authors. Best of luck out there—and stay scary!
Currently reading: Last Words by George Carlin. I’ve been an enormous fan my entire life. Carlin was not just a comedian, but also a philosopher, poet, and brilliant social commentator. I’ve read his other three books multiple times over the decades but, having never been that into memoirs, I delayed getting around to this. I’m glad I finally picked it up. It’s amazing to have some new material straight from the man himself, and to learn more about his incredible life.
Currently watching: Batman: The Animated Series. It just never gets old no matter how many times I watch it.
Currently listening to: Cinderella’s Night Songs and Somebody Loan Me a Dime by Fenton Robinson.
Until next time, keep reading, and try to be happy.
Your pal,
Kris