Honk if You Love Labor Day
Crushing acorns and quitting bad jobs.
When I left Florida in 2006 and moved to Massachusetts, I was flooded with nostalgia for my childhood in New York. Though my memories of growing up on Long Island are fuzzy and few, returning to the north after more than a decade in the south unearthed long-lost recollections and the sentimental feelings that come with them.
The most impactful difference between the north and south is seasons change. The south doesn’t get that. After all those 85-degree Christmases in Florida, I was ready for snow again, but I was even more excited for fall.
Like a lot of people, fall is my favorite season. Some folks get pumped for goods like Halloween decorations and pumpkin spiced everything. As wonderful as those can be, my jubilation comes more from the weather and environment. Crisp air, golden leaves, skies turning from blue to gray. How is it that nature’s death is so beautiful? I’m also an outdoorsy guy in general, so I’m thrilled to go on hikes again without melting like the Wicked Witch.
One of the surprise bits of nostalgia that came to me during my first fall in Massachusetts was acorns—particularly, walking on them and crushing them on the sidewalk. As a child, I had done this on my walk to elementary school (this was the 1980s and kids were allowed to walk alone back then). There was something just so satisfying about the way they cracked under the balls of my feet. I’d forgotten this living in Florida, where there are virtually no acorns, only more bugs. While I don’t live in Massachusetts anymore, I still live in New England, and this is the time of year the acorns start dropping. For me, it’s the first sign of fall. Not pumpkin spiced coffee or the return of Spirit Halloween, but the crushing of acorns as September rolls in.
Labor Day is only a week away. It’s one of my favorite holidays—not because of barbeques and beaches—but because what the holiday stands for. Though many seem to have forgotten its origin, Labor Day remains a celebration of the social and economic achievement of the American worker. In the late 19th century, labor activists pushed for a federal holiday to recognize the working class who helped build our country. Labor unions are the reason we work 40 hours a week with two days off and are paid overtime if we work beyond that. Before the unions, slave-driving fat cats and wealthy corporations were overworking and undervaluing their employees. If you think your job sucks, look up coal mining in the early 20th century. Look up “company store” debt. Your grind may blow dog dick, but you’re not a slave the way American workers once were.
When I was working one of those shit-ass day jobs, I always tried to get Labor Day off. Working in the service industry made this difficult, as when you have that sort of job it’s your responsibility to make sure customers have great holidays while yours are wasted catering to their entitled needs. But I was usually able to strike a deal with even the shittiest of bosses—I agreed to work Christmas Eve night if I got Labor Day off. To me, it was a matter of principal. Also, I could give a rat’s ass about Christmastime. Jews do more on Christmas than I do. Whatever joy it gave me as a child was permanently destroyed by working in grocery stores during the holiday season. Even now that I’ve been out of that industry for years, Christmas carols still make me cringe as if I’m having ’Nam flashbacks.
Another reason I love Labor Day is a little more personal.
This week marks the third anniversary of when I quit my last day job and started writing full time. That I managed to do this while living alone, with no one else’s income to cradle me if I failed, is something I’m quite proud of.
I’m also proud of how I quit.
My last job was in management with the worst company in America. I’m not just exaggerating as a former employee. You can look it up right here. Or here. Or here. On top of working for the most hated grocery store in the country, I had the most toxic boss I’ve ever had, a rotten prick that inspired the character Todd, the dickhead boss in The Night Stockers.
The Todd character is not much of an exaggeration either. My old boss really was that big of a leaking shitbag. It pleases me that he was so sourly immortalized in an award-winning book that mocks him, which has also been translated in other languages so more people around the world can laugh at his sorry ass.
Our store had a humungous turnover rate. We changed employees like I change underpants. Most people quit for obvious reasons. When they would, my boss would laugh about it. It was his way of pretending he was tough, much like the shoulder pads he wore beneath his shirts. He also enjoyed when his employees got upset because he was a miserable sadist whose sole motivation for being in management was having that measly crumb of power over other people. So when I quit, I didn’t want to yell at him or curse him out, because then he would know he’d gotten to me. So instead, I walked into his office unexpectedly, in front of several more employees, and smacked this written notice on his desk, right in front of him stupid face.
Then I waved and walked out. No two weeks’ notice. No “fuck you.” Just “smell ya later.” Somehow it seemed so much more disrespectful than flipping him the bird or challenging him to a fight, as other employees had. (If you work for a toxic boss or company, start looking elsewhere. No one deserves to be that unhappy at work. Quit!)
I bailed just before Labor Day for two reasons. One was because of my love for the holiday, and the other was that it would leave him short-staffed during a very busy holiday week. It was a raised fist not just for me, but for the disgruntled American worker. So instead of spending Labor Day toiling in that shithouse, I spent it hiking with my dog, who had just started the chemotherapy that gave her a new lease on life.
So now, when the acorns start falling and summer’s last days dwindle, I celebrate my emancipation from corporate America and my ability to support myself doing what I’ve always known I was meant to do: write horror.
One of my other fond memories of autumn in Massachusetts was the brilliant foliage in towns like Wayland, where I worked back then, and the closing down of the park fountain in my town of Belmont, a summer staple for neighborhood kids without a pool. The large fountain worked like a series of sprinklers for kids to run around in. Whenever it first turned on, it was a declaration of summer’s arrival. It always shut off the day after Labor Day, and for me, this was the harbinger of fall.
Just one week left…
There are a lot of reasons autumn in New England is the fucking best. From brilliant foliage to haunted hayrides to apple orchards, it’s the ideal way to experience the season. People come from all over to enjoy it, so I try to make the most of it every year.
I hope you’ll enjoy this autumn with me. My readers make it possible for me to do what I do, and I love you for it.
As a token of my appreciation, I run an annual Labor Day sale on my website. This year you can save 15% on your entire order, store wide, including items that are already on sale. Just enter code LDAY at checkout. That’s it! This discount is good from now until September 3rd, 2024. All books come signed and include free buttons, stickers, and bookmarks!
Want to get books signed in person instead? Here are my updated tour dates for 2024. I’ll be leaving my Fortress of Solitude to visit several more states, so mark your calendars and come out to see me!
September 7th – Spooktastic Book Fair. Framingham Public Library. Framingham, Massachusetts. A free event for spooky readers of all ages! Other guests include Christopher Golden, John Langan, Aron Beauregard, Bracken MacLeod, and many more.
September 12th (4pm -7pm) Vortex Books & Comics – Columbia, Pennsylvania. This is a huge extreme horror signing which also includes Wrath James White, Aron Beauregard, Shane McKenzie, Lucas Mangum, Judith Sonnet, and Daniel J. Volpe. Plus, this store belongs to horror authors Brian Keene and Mary SanGiovanni!
September 21st - 22nd : CT Horrorfest. Hartford, Connecticut. One of the biggest and best horror conventions in New England. I will be signing books along with Mona Kabbani, Aron Beauregard, and Daniel J. Volpe. S.C. Mendes will also be signing at the Blood Bound Books table. Other guests this year include film stars Jason Partric, Peter Weller, Skeet Ulrich, Ashley Laurence, Doug Bradley, Alex Winter, and Michael Ironside.
October 4th - 6th : Scares That Care presents Authorcon IV. St. Louis, Missouri. The charity expands to the Midwest! I am excited to announce I will be a guest of honor at this convention. So expect to see me on panels and doing live readings.
October 19th : Merrimack Valley Halloween Book Festival. Haverhill Public Library. Haverhill, Massachusetts. The annual Halloween party for horror readers promises to once again be as lit as a jack-o’-lantern!
I hope your Labor Day goes swimmingly, that you get laid, that summer lovers take advantage of the season’s last hurrah, and my fellow fallophiles get to crushing those acorns! One of my viewing rituals for this weekend are revisits to Stand By Me (the greatest movie set during Labor Day weekend) and the classic Labor Day episodes of Married… with Children, “Hot Off the Grill” (Season 4, episode 1) and “We’ll Follow the Sun” (Season 5, episode 1). I recommend them even if you’ve seen them before.
That’s all for today. Now make like Humpty Dumpty and FALL!
Your pal,
Kris
I spent my first 38 years of life not knowing what seasons were in San Diego. I've been in east Tennessee for five years now and LOVE the changing seasons. I can imagine how much more impressive seasonal change is in New England.