I hope your Halloween hangover has faded and November finds you well. We’re in that strange limbo between spooky season and the holiday season. It’s still a little early to be drooling for turkey—and way too early to be celebrating Christmas, so don’t even start with me—but the last three months of the year are so focused on holidays that it’s hard not to start planning the year’s biggest feast.
As if Americans don’t eat too much already, here comes Thanksgiving.
*I have life-sized Jason. Sometimes I dress him up*
Some folks find it sad to not to have any family to spend the holidays with. I’ve certainly had friends show me unwanted pity in the past because I’m an adult orphan and live alone. But the upside to this is I don’t have to go anywhere for Thanksgiving or eat dinner with people I don’t like. There’s no uncle telling me the latest braindead shit he heard on Infowars. No aunt complaining about the grocery store being out of canned pumpkin on Thanksgiving Eve (of course they are, Karen! Plan better, you miserable turd). No arguments, no tongue-biting, and none of the general misery that comes with seeing family. I also don’t have in-laws to visit, which can be even worse. So before you feel sorry for me for spending holidays alone, remember this: while you’re dealing with your alt-right grandpa or always-offended liberal niece or whoever it is that pushes your nuclear detonation buttons, I’ll be perfectly content at home, popping edibles and watching old movies while I gorge myself on pumpkin pie.
Seasonal viewing is definitely a thing. For example, we all save It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown for October, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation for December. But what of Thanksgiving movies? What films and TV shows do you revisit as the fourth Thursday in November draws near? Obviously, there are the Thanksgiving-themed family movies we all know and love like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and the criminally underrated Dutch. But sometimes viewing traditions form on their own, uniquely catered by individuals or families.
For example, I tend to watch a western on Thanksgiving. I’m not sure when or why I started corelating the two. Has it something to do with both featuring Native Americans, or is it just a focus on America’s past? I don’t care about football, so maybe I need something manly to put on the TV while the food is cooking. I can’t really say how this Triana tradition began, but it’s one I look forward to each year.
Once Upon a Time in the West. The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly. The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Chato’s Land. The Proposition. The Magnificent Seven (1960). Pale Rider. 3:10 to Yuma. Unforgiven.
These films have made multiple appearances in this house during Thanksgivings past. But the movie I always lean into most is True Grit (2010). It’s a story I deeply love and one of the few remakes I consider infinitely better than the original (sorry, not sorry, John Wayne fans). The Coen brothers really nailed this adaptation of Charles Portis’ classic novel, just as they nailed No Country for Old Men, and both films rank in my top ten favorite movies of all time (with Big Trouble in Little China being at the number one spot, forever and always, until the end of the universe as we know it).
Oh, and obviously there are Rocky movies to rewatch (all except the universally loathed Rocky V). Most of these movies take place around Thanksgiving or Christmas, and for me, all provide powerful surges of nostalgia and sentimentality.
But we’re horror fans, right? What about some Thanksgiving fright films? Are there any?
Well, your horror daddy is here to guide you. Indeed there are turkey day terrors.
This year, we’ll finally be treated to a full movie version of Thanksgiving, based on the faux trailer in the double feature 2007 film Grindhouse. Made by director Eli Roth, who gave us Cabin Fever and Hostel, the Thanksgiving trailer paid tribute to the golden age of slasher movies when every holiday got its own maniacal murderer. This started with Black Christmas (1974) and John Carpenter’s Halloween, but continued with such fare as My Bloody Valentine, Silent Night Deadly Night, Graduation Day, New Year’s Evil, April Fool’s Day, To All a Good Night, and many others. Roth took aim at Thanksgiving for his holiday hack ’em up because, according to him, of all the holiday slashers, we’ve never had a one for this huge holiday.
But Roth is wrong about that.
1987 gave us the little-known slasher film Blood Rage (also known as Slasher or Nightmare at Shadow Woods). Set on Thanksgiving, the film follows a pair of twin boys—one good and one evil—as the bad seed returns home for the holidays and carves more than turkey. For a decade or two, this film was out of print, a relic of VHS tapes gone by. But in recent years it’s been resurrected in a restored, uncut version. This features all the gruesome kills that had previously been edited out of the movie to achieve an R rating. While Thanksgiving isn’t the focus of the film the way Roth’s Thanksgiving is, it’s still a slasher film set during the holiday and a quality one at that—maybe not on par with Jason or Freddy, but still entertaining, and it features those brutal kills and gooey gore.
Speaking of bloody scenes, the movie’s catch phrase is, “It’s not cranberry sauce!” You really can’t go wrong here. Check it out for some campy Thanksgiving terror.
I’m not the biggest fan of Eli Roth’s films, but I do hope Thanksgiving turns out to be good—or at least better than his previous films. Because honestly, the faux trailer he made for it sixteen years ago is my favorite thing he’s ever done. I’ve always loved it and hoped there would be a feature, as there was for two of the other faux trailers in Grindhouse—the Machete movies and Hobo with a Shotgun. So I remain excited that it’s finally upon us.
There are a couple of other Thanksgiving horror films, most notably Home Sweet Home (another slasher from 1981, pre-dating Blood Rage by six years), and the cheese-fest of Thankskilling (a film about a killer turkey) and its sequel, but Blood Rage is my top pick.
Still…we need more, don’t we?
Surely any fright fan is familiar with The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror specials that air every Halloween. But did you know they made an additional scary special in 2019 that’s all about Turkey Day?
In season 31—episode 8, to be exact—lies Thanksgiving of Horror! It plays out just like a Treehouse of Horror episode, featuring multiple scary stories, but all are Thanksgiving themed. It’s a high-quality episode too, so all you naysayers of The Simpsons’ later seasons can get bent, as Bart would say. It even won the Writer’s Guild of America Award for Outstanding Writing in Animation and was nominated for an Emmy. I like to pair this one with a true classic, Bart Vs. Thanksgiving, the non-horror holiday special from season 2. This episode gives me more fuzzy feelings of nostalgia than even Charlie Brown can evoke.
Revisiting Thanksgiving episodes from our favorite TV shows is another fine tradition, isn’t it? Whether it’s the famous turkey drop from WKRP in Cincinnati or the two-part episode from Archie Bunker’s Place that reunited the original cast from All in the Family, television specials of yore make for fine viewing as all those mashed potatoes melt in our bellies. (Man, I am seriously showing my age with those ancient TV references).
Anyway, my Thanksgivings of recent years were either spent with lady friends, friends, or just my awesome dog, Bear. I’ve not endured a family Thanksgiving since my divorce and am happier for it. The smaller any gathering is, the more I enjoy it. When it comes to other people, less is always more. I also prefer to get writing done pretty much always. Spending several days with others puts a damper on that productivity.
Maybe this is the year I’ll create a Thanksgiving horror story of my own. I have a few books that take place over the holiday season, like Toxic Love and Shepherd of the Black Sheep, but none that highlight Thanksgiving in any significant way. It’s merely served as a side dish, never the main course. No, I don’t think I’ll be doing a slasher story or a tale of a killer turkey, but maybe there’ll be a short tale of Thanksgiving terror for an upcoming issue of The Obituaries or something like that. I promise nothing, but as my dear old mother used to say, you never know.
This fall has been a great hiking season with Bear. She’s gotten old and can’t jump and climb like she once could, but she still gets excited to dive deep into the woods (in that regard, she’s a lot like her dad). The foliage was breathtaking this year. Sadly, the time for it has already passed, and most of the trees in my neck of the mountains are now naked or only have straggler leaves the color of rust. Winter is coming, but that does little to slow us down. We actually get more hiking done in winter than summer, when the heat is oppressive and the parasitic insects are too plentiful to avoid. The cold doesn’t bother us as much as that does. As long as Bear’s tail still wags when we get on a trail, I’ll keep taking her with me.
*Some pictures from my October hikes and one of the paved trail in my neighborhood*
I recommend everyone take a good hike more often. It’s not just excellent exercise, it’s also a vital ingredient to mental health that’s too often neglected. Getting back to nature—even with something as simple as a half-hour hike through a wooded trail—does wonders to relieve stress, anxiety, and depression. If you’re writer, nature is one of the best cures for writer’s block there is. In these days of early sunsets and cold weather hibernation, it’s more important than ever to cleanse the mind of the crushing darkness of life with a nice trip to the woods.
This was not a thinly-veiled segue to mentioning my new novel, That Night in the Woods, but seeing as we ended up here, I’d like to remind everyone of its existence. Unfortunately, those who preordered it from Cemetery Dance did not receive their copies in time for Halloween. I’m saddened by this, but it was something I had zero control over. And yet, while the book is set at Halloween time, it can certainly still be enjoyed by horror fans at any time of year. It’s now available everywhere, and you can get signed copies on my website. There are some hardbacks remaining, and a limited amount of signed paperbacks will be available soon.
While it’s too early for Christmas carols and putting up trees, it’s not too early for Christmas shopping. I find it’s best to get a head start on this shit, before the Walmart riots begin and all the good stuff is sold out. And what better gift for the horror reader in your life than a signed Kristopher Triana book? Your purchase helps me buy Christmas gifts for those close to me too, so everybody wins.
Stay jolly by supporting small businesses!
In other news, my podcast, Vital Social Issues ’N Stuff with Kris and John Wayne, has finally emerged from its slumber for our first new episode since freakin’ March. So don’t worry. John Wayne Comunale and I never canceled the show. We only put it on hiatus as we focused on other projects and work-related travel. This episode was recorded the day before Halloween so we would not miss doing our annual Halloween special. We hope you enjoy it! Check it out (as well as past episodes) on all pod streamers or watch us on YouTube. We hope to get back to doing these more frequently going into 2024.
John Wayne Comunale also just released his first horror western, All of Your Dreams Will Come True When You’re Dead. As always with his stuff, I suggest you check it out!
Currently watching: I’m excited to check out two new Nicolas Cage movies—Butcher’s Crossing (which is supposed to be excellent) and The Retirement Plan. I’ll watch anything this American treasure does. Recently I’ve revisited some joyous movies with my lady friend, including Bill and Ted Face the Music and Mars Attacks, both of which I consider underrated flicks. The latter was especially fun to watch together after some weed. I always howl with laughter seeing little green men destroy our world. And a movie starring Tom Jones? Fuhgettabout it!
Currently listening to: Till Lindemann’s incredible new album, Zunge. I’m an enormous fan of his music and videos, which are like short horror films. Even if you’re not into German metal, provided you’re a fan of extreme horror, I can’t imagine you wouldn’t enjoy the music videos of Till Lindemann and Rammstein. The new video for Lindemann’s title track, Zunge, is a perfect example of this, and features some of his most extreme horror imagery to date. Please note that this video contains real body horror, is definitely NSFW, and is unsuitable for children and sensitive viewers (or “crybabies”, as they prefer to be called). Proceed with caution.
I’m also listening to episode three of River Man Radio. In case you missed the last newsletter, the episode is out now and is available for free. This one features some artists new to the show, including Son Seals, Magic Sam, Queen Sylvia Embry, James Cotton, and others. I hope you enjoy my selections, as I put a lot of thought into the songs I choose and the order they appear.
Currently reading: Still on They Lurk by Ronald Malfi. I’ve been busy doing edits on upcoming projects, and that has taken up most of my reading time. Those of you who also write full time know what I mean. But I also have some new Edward Lee lined up with Here Comes Santa Claus.
Lee told me the Christmas issue of The Obituaries is what inspired him to write this new holiday horror story, which is simply incredible to me, Aron Beauregard, and Daniel J. Volpe. We’ve always been inspired by Lee’s work, so for him to be inspired by us is a real head trip on top of being a high honor for any writer. If you’d like to read that, you can find it in The Obituaries Collection: Volume One. It contains my exclusive Christmas carnage novelette, Fat Fuck, about a cursed Santa who befriends three large, dangerous, demented women. Makes for gruesome holiday reading and an excellent present for your favorite sicko.
Until next time, keep reading and watching horror, and try to be happy. Don’t let the holiday blues get to you and avoid family whenever possible. Just eat a pie and watch Blood Rage instead.
Your pal,
Kris