The Halloween Special

Let me be your candy.

Eat me when I die.

Rather than have me cremated or buried, I would love it if my friends, loved ones, and fans got together to devour my corpse—provided it’s fit for human consumption. This is not a joke. This newsletter serves as official documentation for my request. Eat my dead body. There must be a way to make this legal, seeing as it would be my last wish. If this was some religious exercise, I’d bet we could get around whatever laws prohibit this sort of self-expression, so maybe we should start a cult. I mean, if my final wishes are to be cannibalized, who the fuck is the government—or anyone—to tell me I cannot? Frankly, they can eat me.

I want to be eaten for a variety of reasons. For one thing, it’s inexcusable to let a good piece of meat go to waste—and, as I’ve been told time and again, I am one fine piece of meat. For another thing, everybody—not just demented horror writers but everybody—wonders what human flesh really tastes like. What a wonderful final gift to leave those close to me—the chance to consume the most forbidden fruit, free of judgment or consequence. I believe it would help with the turnout too. You can’t tell me seeing Kris tartar on the menu wouldn’t get you off the couch to hit up my funeral.

Most of all, I think I’d like to be eaten because it’s just dead sexy. I have an oral fixation anyway, so the idea of being in people’s mouths from beyond the grave...

And as a bonus, many would consider these cannibalistic acts an affront to God. If I can offend God (or at least his followers), then I feel I’ve done my part to make the world a slightly less miserable place.

I would also like my wake to incorporate feats of strength into the ceremonies. Everyone gets a chance to eat part of me, but I propose a battle royale to decide who gets what. To devour my heart and gain my courage, you must prove yourself worthy. To consume my brain to gather my encyclopedic knowledge of horror trivia, you must prove yourself worthy. To eat my cold, dead dick, you must prove yourself worthy. Nothing too violent, mind you. Maybe a slapping contest—one of those tough ones though, with the chalk and the table with handles. Or maybe the feats can involve self-mutilation. Whoever desecrates their flesh the most creatively gets to eat the choicest cuts of mine. Makes sense to me. But hey, I’m still working all of this out, so I’m open to feedback and suggestions. Leave them in the comments. Just don’t wait too long. I’m already middle-aged and need to get the ball rolling on these funeral plans.

It’s the weekend before Halloween and this is what I’m thinking about.

*Photo. Me as Leatherface, Halloween 2014.

Welcome to my newsletter’s first Halloween special.

Well, sort of.

I considered doing a detailed piece about my love for this holiday, its origins, and my favorite books and movies that involve it, but just thinking about writing that bored me, so I can only imagine how disinterested you would be. Not only have I said it all before, but you’ve heard similar musings from other horror maestros this month, ad nauseum. Just like Christmas, Halloween gets closer each year to being beaten into the fucking ground. When you start holidays too early, everyone is sick to death of them by the time they arrive, and in America, everything is way too early. There’s also an oversaturation of horror entertainment in October, which is good for horror fans but bad for horror creators like me. Every horror writer has a new book out. Audiences can only hunger for something so much. With Halloween horrors being piled upon them, eventually they become so stuffed that even looking at a jack-o’-lantern makes them queasy.

It’s like going to a Brazilian steakhouse. The meat just keeps coming in all these different forms, on and on, so much that you can’t possibly eat it all, but they just keep coming, and as much as you love it and crave it and want more of it, eventually you have to say STOP.

Anyway, that’s why I’m not giving you a concise essay on my love of Halloween. Instead you’re getting this rambling horseshit I threw together while still in my pajamas (in case you’re wondering, that’s an old The Misfits t-shirt, a red and black lumberjack flannel, and gray sweatpants for the ladies).

I used to transform my former home into a haunted hellscape every Halloween for neighborhood kids, but now I live in the woods and don’t get any trick-r-treaters. Unless they’re carrying a pizza, no one comes here. If someone knocked on my door unexpectedly, they’d probably be greeted by my fully-loaded Mossberg. I still put up some Halloween decorations though, particularly inside my house, but my place is always decorated with horror memorabilia anyway, so it’s not like you’d really notice.

It recently occurred to me that my home is somewhat of a museum of 20^th century horror pop culture, with framed posters of movies like Maniac, Pieces, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (signed by the director), Nekromantik, Night of the Creeps, and Trick or Treat (1986), to name a few. I have an extensive DVD collection and a full library of horror literature. This isn’t even to mention the busts of Freddy, Michael, Leatherface and the gang, my six-foot-five animatronic Jason Voorhees, my life-sized Ghoulies puppet, or… well, you get the idea. Horror has always been my passion, but now it’s what I do for a living too. So yes, Halloween is a huge deal for me. Always has been.

*Photo. Me with my nana, Halloween 1978.

I’m happy to report I’ve had an October packed full of haunting holiday activities. From my book signing tour across the east coast, to releasing a new Halloween-themed novel, to hiking with Bear in peak New England foliage, to watching a marathon of horror films both new and old. I’ve enjoyed a lush, robust spooky season, and there’s still the 31^st to look forward to.

*Photo. Me with my nana, Halloween 2000.

The Halloween party I was going to attend last night was unfortunately canceled, but I still plan to rock my costume this week. Macho Man has been a huge hit for me in the past, but I wanted to do something funky fresh, so there will be no Slim Jim slinging this year. Last night’s full moon brought out a new beast in me, so follow my TikTok and Instagram to get that first glimpse.

Speaking of Instagram, there’s still time to enter my big Halloween contest. Three lucky winners will receive a deluxe Trianahorror package, with the grand prize containing signed paperback copies of That Night in the Woods and The Long Shadows of October (two novels that take place on Halloween), and a triple-signed copy of the now out of print second issue of The Obituaries, which was a Halloween special. To enter, just share a picture on Instagram in your costume with one of my books in hand. Or you could do a photo of one of my books with your Halloween decorations, your pet or child, or anything Halloween-related. That’s it!  Just make sure to tag me so I see it. A winner will be chosen on Halloween Night!

And speaking of The Obituaries, the fifth issue is out now!

The Obituaries: Destinations of Death features another legendary guest author, Bryan Smith! He is the Splatterpunk Award-Winning author of Dead End House, Kill the Hunter, The Gauntlet, Slowly We Rot, The Reborn, and the Depraved series.

The Obituaries: Destinations of Death contains a brand-new novelette by Bryan Smith called The Sick Place, as well as all-new, exclusive novelettes by Daniel J. Volpe, Aron Beauregard, and me, making this issue another thick boy. My story, Live Nude Horror, may be the sickest, vilest, and most sexually degenerate work I’ve put out since Toxic Love, so fans of my more aberrant splatterpunk work, rejoice! There are 19 all-new faux obituaries, including one Bryan Smith wrote about himself. Each book comes signed by Smith, Beauregard, Volpe, and your horror daddy, Triana. It also features gruesome cover art by Imperial Skulls Studios and brutal interior illustrations by our house artist Nick Justus, who has worked on every issue to date.

That Night in the Woods is now available everywhere in eBook and paperback, with a special signed hardback only available on my website. And Along the River of Flesh, the grim sequel to Gone to See the River Man, has just been released in audiobook form. It is narrated by the great Chuck Brugee, who performed They All Died Screaming, Ex-Boogeyman, And the Devil Cried, and several of my other books.

I have a new novella coming early next year as part of a collaborative project with author Mona Kabbani. I also have a standalone survival horror novel planned for a winter release. Right now, I’m plotting out my next collaboration. All I’ll reveal at this time is I’ll be working with a big name in the field of extreme horror, one who came up alongside me. We’ve been in a shitload of anthologies together, dating way back to 2010, but have never collaborated on a story until now. Already we’re having a blast working on this. Sometimes a collaboration can be a much-welcomed break from the isolating nature of solo writing. They’re lots of fun when you do them with a friend. The Night Stockers is a perfect example of that.

I wish you all the happiest of Halloweens. It only comes once a year, so even if you’ve been oversaturated these past few weeks, enjoy it! Because even if you’ll be home alone, you can still revisit some John Carpenter movies and stuff your face full of Butterfingers just like the druids did.

Currently watching: Of the new horror movies I’ve watched this season, my favorites are the Argentine possession film When Evil Lurks, which is just as good as everyone is saying it is, and a sleeper called Sympathy for the Devil. The latter is a dark crime story reminiscent of The Hitcher, featuring a terrifying, fully unhinged Nicolas Cage. I also saw Talk to Me but was not that impressed. It’s a well-made movie, but I found it predictable and thought a better title would have been Talk to the Hand. I’m also tuned in to the new John Carpenter series Suburban Screams. As far as true crime docs go, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before, but watching new material directed by the master of horror cinema (particularly the chilling reenactments) makes it worthwhile.

Currently listening to: River Man Radio - Episode 3. Yes, the third episode is finally here! This one features some artists new to the show, including Son Seals, Magic Sam, Queen Sylvia Embry, James Cotton, and others. Returning are Buddy Guy, Junior Kimbrough, Elmore James, and Billy Boy Arnold, to name a few. In the past I’ve done write ups for each song, but I don’t know how necessary that is. For this episode, I’ll just let the music speak for itself. I hope you enjoy my selections, as I put a lot of thought into the songs I choose and the order they appear. This is a free series for fellow blues fans and those curious about the genre.

Currently reading: They Lurk by Ronald Malfi. And revisiting the Taking Shape series by Dustin McNeill and Travis Mullins—must reads for fans of the Halloween franchise.

That’s all for this Halloween. Until next time, keep reading and carving pumpkins, and for Christ’s sake, don’t look under the bed!

Your pal,

Kris